It festers. It creates discord, and that feeling within that just tips me upside down. I call it the right and wrong dis-ease. For as long as I can remember I have thought regarding “this is right, and this is wrong”, it was sort of my measuring scale or pass or fail. I began to see it as two chairs I had the choice to sit in and neither were very comfortable.
Shortly after my inward journey began, I was given practices to help become more mindful. For instance, one was not judging myself or experiences in terms of duality like good/bad- easy/hard- right/ wrong as much as I could. Seeing things “just were the way they were” was easy enough, right? Well, it seemed so but it wasn’t for me.
My mind was often tired, and noodle like by lunchtime as I had to fight with it to calm it down. With time I began watching it as it corralled thoughts from years ago and brought them into my current experience like an old dust storm. Feeling worn out and exhausted I begged to have a clear mind, just a pause without thoughts, a calm mind that could just settle into the moment instead of running from it. Some days I felt hopeless and powerless to my obsession with analyzing life and processing the outcome of my choices. One day, I felt a sense something would appear and it did in the form of words or encouraging thoughts that led me to do the next single thing I needed to do in order to align myself with a tiny measure of inner calmness. Finally, the sea within me started to settle more and more.
In my work I talk with a lot of women who like me, sometimes struggle with the constant life of duality. I wish I had an answer or a magic potion but in all honesty, it took dedicating my days to the practice of seeing everything for face value. What I did find helpful was stopping myself from attaching any thoughts to what was in front of me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not, and today I can say that I do it less than I did yesterday.
It is a challenging practice, but when it comes to most instances in life, it works out best when I don’t label it as right or wrong. I don’t get things wrong; I just do them differently next time. If something goes smoothly, then great.
Do you find your mind has a field day with words and their definitions? I have come to know that for me, the less I engage my mind, the better off I am. Don’t get me wrong, the mind is beautiful tool for execution of ideas, just not for running my entire life. I would rather leave that job to a higher power.
The dis-ease of always wondering if I did something right or wrong is slowly fazing out, and my inner world is calmer which has led me to more creative freedom and capacity to love no matter what.
Have you ever taken count of how many times you refer to something as right or wrong? Would you consider practicing the art of focusing on what is in front of you for face value and not labeling it? I wonder if you will experience the same inner freedom I did?
I hope this post has been helpful. Please know it is not meant to advise you, it is merely here to serve those who are meant to read it.
Photos are my own. They are from the island of Sylt in Germany.