I once felt as though my life was at a dead end – nowhere to go and no inspiration or access to the answers within myself. I had no compass, inner or outer. The man I shared my life with for ten years had just told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, and there was no more discussing it. I was left feeling empty to say the least. I felt unworthy, abandoned and worst of all, not enough. Physically I was fine; I didn’t have a debilitating disease, but it felt as if I was dying a slow death and in a way, because I was. The old “me” was dying on the inside, and in order for the light of love to enter, the opening had to be large enough. Fast forward five years and the new/original “me” is more of what you read in these blogs and soon, my book and who I choose to be every single day.
I wanted to live fully, not just exist.
I went through what I call a dark night of the soul, several times. My dark night lasted a while and looking back now, I am glad it did.
I can see now how hitting rock bottom actually helped bring me to where I am today. It is called “rock bottom” for a reason…it hurts, the terrain was rough and extremely exfoliating.
What I have come to learn in my experience is that sloughing off the parts of me that weren’t serving me like jealousy, inner rage, spinning mind, control, and perfectionism were essential in moving forward.
I remember telling my coach how empty I felt, it was almost as if I was hollow. Nothing made sense. NOTHING. I constantly asked myself what I could have done better or have been better. Why did he leave? Was I really that horrible? Why? Why?
Alas, I sat through the pain. I slept through the pain. I worked through the pain by doing the work I was given to do. Sometimes, all I did was the next single thing that would bring me peace of mind. It sounds almost too simple and if you have ever tried to do the next single thing when your mind is fully activated you know how hard it is.
Today, looking back, I can see I was not at a dead end at all. I was looking straight into what I would now call a straight and narrow road to a blissful opportunity. My perception shifted, and I got a miracle, just like that. It took months and months of thinking a new way, integrating a new way of life but it happened. I can now see my worth, it is in every word of kindness I speak. My safety or security is not reliant on the validation people, rewards, honors or or funds.
Most of all, I have immense compassion for others who feel lost or out of alignment and where I am led to help, I will.
How can we fill ourselves up if we are full? How can a vase hold fresh water for a blooming flower if it is full of old, dirty water?
If you are reading this and find yourself questioning life, yourself or your decisions then I invite you to take your foot off the gas pedal for a moment. Center yourself around something that makes you feel alive and listen. Listen. Sit down and quiet yourself and trust that we are meant to live an extraordinary life. By doing the next single thing over and over again, we allow our minds to settle into the movement of our life.
I do believe that doing the next single thing is what saved my life, and it is something I will share with anyone who asks.
It is so important not to catapult ourselves into thoughts about the future because we only have this very moment, right here and now. There is no use in going back through our past unless we can see it with love and understanding.
Our inner compass will guide us as long as we can learn to stay out of the way and allow life to unfold naturally. Please know, this is not meant to act as a lazy approach to living, in fact, it is the total opposite. When we wake every day with the understanding that we are governed by a higher power to extend our gifts, skills, love, friendship and compassion to others than we are led to the next single thing and we do it with honor.
I know all too well how hard this is but in my experience, it is what works for me, and that is the purpose of this post.
It is not meant to be advice, it is just my message to you….I hope it finds your heart.