Writing a book about my personal struggles has opened a door within my heart. For many years I never created a place just for me, a space of solitude and a sanctuary for my inner voice to rest and whisper the truth. Today, I realize more than ever how important it is to leave a place within my inner life for me.
You will read more about this in my book but I wanted to share a few thoughts here on the blog. As some of you know my heart used to beat to the drum of a man I shared my life with for ten years. I gave my entire heart and voice to this man and not because he asked me to but because I never wanted to be abandoned or left for another woman. The fear of being alone gripped my inner life so tightly I felt as though I was being strangled by my own mind.
Excerpts from Lost on the PGA and European Tours
If you have been to this place of despair, you know it’s real. Despair is real. Some people might say that being curled up in an expensive bed in a multi-million dollar mansion was hardly a place of despair. I understand that viewpoint. Just hear me. Despair is despair whether you are living in luxury or are homeless on a sidewalk. Despair is deep inside and has very little to do with what things look like on the outside. There’s no winning with any talks about despair. It’s a dark place. It’s hell. When the lights go out, it doesn’t matter where you are. There is no darkness like the cave of despair.
In those moments, I learned I had nothing to hold on to. After all the expensive clothes in my closet, travels to every part of the world, meetings with famous people, and a life full of luxuries, I finally reached deep inside myself for comfort, for understanding, for hope, for refuge—and I was empty.
When I had to pick up what was left of me after a shocking divorce, which shattered me in many pieces, I learned how to search within myself and find that one place I could migrate to when life got hard and cold.
I always believed there was a church within myself, a place where I could catch my breath and feel the overflowing sense of warmth that could only come from the silence that enveloped me.
I had to learn to become still. I had to practice being silent. It took me a long time to believe that I was worthy of peace, love and joy. After all, my husband who wanted other things in life had just left me, and I found it hard to believe I could be loved by anyone.
In the silence and stillness I was able to allow my inner guide to steer me in the direction towards self -completeness and wholeness. This took years and many moments of near breakdowns but I did it.
What goes on in the inner interior of someone’s life is not easy to explain but I have you can sense the fragrance in my writings.
There is so much going on in life. Days are filled with to do lists and yet it is easy to not slow down and retreat to that place within our being that is just for us. It is a small little pocket in the soul that feels like a warm blanket on a cold night. It is an eternal flame that is always lit to light the way in the darkness. I don’t need a perfect ship, nor do I don’t need an entire crew on board but I will benefit from a finely tuned compass.
I will never give this space to anyone but myself, and I am grateful to be married to someone today that appreciates it. I need it to survive all the universal beliefs and thought forms I experience on a daily basis that create blocks in my life.
I invite you to soak this post in if you wish and morph it to what works for you. My writings are in no way meant to advise you. You have your own answers that are closer to you than your breathing. I am simply here to share what works for me and help where I can.
It is my sincere intention that you feel encouraged, supported and loved no matter what stage of life you are in.
If you are interested in purchasing my book I will be releasing a post next week sharing all the information necessary. Thank you all for staying patient and supporting me as you do. I am eternally grateful.
With love and gratitude,