Maybe you can relate to this topic and maybe not. My intention is not to tell you what to do or make myself appear “right”. Within my heart is a well of hope and desire to share my experience and telling my truth is the only way I know how. I don’t have all the answers and I am not perfect, thank goodness. I will admit not too long ago I wanted to have all the answers and I wanted to appear perfect to everyone. Experiencing pain is not a comfortable feeling, in fact sometimes I want to run from it to avoid going down into the depths of my being afraid of what I might find. This was of course until I realized something miraculous about pain, and how it can make us realize what we have inside is greater than we ever imagined. Pain truly has the power to heal when touched with a compassionate hand.
The day I was approached with a divorce I was shocked and to this day have never experienced the level of pain in my heart. I was crumbling inside and never knew a human being could actually feel so much discomfort from emotional discontent. After three years I have learned to enter the pain which sometimes I by-passed and sometimes I dove right in, cried, wept, slept and awakened again stronger and more aware. I have practiced allowing myself to go into the pain and just the other day I was invited once again to enter the place I have come to know as my greatest teacher. Her name is Pain. As I write this I feel a sense of courage and pride within myself in humble way. There were years where I wouldn’t even consider pain as a good thing and in order to make it go away I would shop or people please. When I look back I see I missed out on many opportunities to learn from my suffering and move forward in love and kindness rather than stuffing my feelings so far down eventually when they did come up it was going to be quite the blast.
This post was inspired by a recent shift in the way I experience pain, one that caught me by surprise-BIG TIME. The other day I wrote a post on my thoughts of beige and how judgmental some people are about it. I was offended by a few comments, which naturally I took personally. Instead of sitting with the feeling and breathing, I raced in my mind and reacted. I didn’t stop and ask myself the one question that has become my new best friend: “is this going to make you feel good later”? The answer would have been no. I consciously made the choice to take offense; which I am sure we can all relate to. I beat myself up for days about this and experienced a level of suffering I hadn’t in a long time. I felt my feelings but took them to the extreme this time, I crushed myself into little pieces telling myself I was not worthy, courageous, and that I was pathetic and should just shut the entire blog down. Yes, I actually did this. Can you relate? I meditated to quiet my mind but the triggers came back and my mind was creeping back into old habits again so I went to sleep. When I woke up I took my dogs on a walk and tried to stay as present as possible. In those brief moments of clear presence I noticed my pain had dissolved. I later thought about all those times when I listened to people try and get me out of my pain because they loved me. If it weren’t for feeling the feelings of pain and feeling no ground under my feet I wouldn’t be able to share this with you today.
I have come to welcome pain from the past and the present. It is what makes me relate to others. If I had no pain and all that existed was pure joy 100% of the time I would not be of help to anyone. I am human and I believe my purpose is to serve others and my service happens to come in the form of my story, which will be released soon.
If you find yourself in pain I invite you to enter it with a humble and soft heart and notice the lessons you learn from it. If we constantly run from the things that scare us how will we ever learn? Won’t it just keep coming back harder and harder until we have no ground to stand on? My mantra has become: Feel it. Experience it. Surrender to the flow of life.
I would like to point out one important aspect of my new realization of feeling pain and consciously choosing to enter the feelings that surface. I do not walk around crying or weeping while I am feeling pain. This is a big misconception. I have come to know that for me, I can experience any level of suffering and be a part of a conversation at the same time.
Pain has been a humbling experience and I no longer walk around arrogant and feeling better than anyone else just because I have come to know a “few things” about life (for me). I am just like you, trying my best and hoping to learn a lot along the way.