My favorite part about blogging and speaking is being able to express my feelings and experience. For a long time I didn’t know what it was like to feel. I thought I was feeling emotions but come to find out I was only partially experiencing what I felt inside. In many ways I blocked feeling anything out of fear the emotion would hurt worse than the experience it came from. Little did I know feeling actually healed and prompted more inner growth than I ever thought possible.
In order to truly understand what it was like to feel it was necessary to dig deep, really deep. I sat with Moe, my mentor, for hours, days and months working through the pain of my divorce. She continued to remind that everything begins and ends with awareness, and when my feelings were deeply acknowledged I would understand more in order to move forward.
Ultimately, it became my full time job to learn what a feeling was and be able to name it, claim it and release it in the words of John Bradshaw. I had a chalkboard wall in my house and I wrote every emotion there was and let me tell you there are a lot! The entire wall was full of words to express what I was feeling inside which became my go to guide to understanding my inner interior. There were many times I didn’t want to look at that wall but I did. It seems so simple to “just feel your feelings” but it wasn’t for me. The idea of saying I was jealous, angry, frustrated or just plain depressed made me sick. Really, I barely ate anything for around three months and my dogs were the only things that kept me going. I was in immense pain, I had learned some things that disturbed my heart and shook my soul to the point of no return. So I thought. Then, one day I got up and was filled with a sense of determination I hadn’t felt since I was in the show ring. It felt good to feel again and the road I had begun to walk down was one I knew I would surely learn a lot from.
To write this now with my baby boy sleeping peacefully in his bassinet next to me seems hard to believe even for me. Today my inner life is much different. I tend to feel more than I ever have before. I realize my inner life is more important than any material item or pleasing another person in order to not be left alone. I accept with grace that relationships are my teachers and some don’t exactly last forever and that is ok.
I don’t live in a Pollyanna world where everything is glazed with milk and honey, but I do live in a space where I accept every feeling that comes my way and realize its importance.
To be able to feel is truly a gift. In a way it is a healer of sorts and when dealt with properly experiencing an emotion fully can wash away the dark water and bring in fresh energy.
When I am asked what the hardest part of my divorce was my response is always the same, feeling my feelings. Now that I know more than I did three years ago I hope my experience will be able to help others; which is the main reason for this blog.
It is my intention to share openly and honestly every aspect of my life as it has been my greatest teacher and when we share it like extending a hand to those who need it.
Who knew life would bloom the way it has just by feeling?
Thank you for being here and I wish you all a wonderful day.