Friendships have always been a sticky subject for me, and I think I am beginning to understand why as I travel deeper to find the answers from my teacher hidden within. This week has been wonderful week and at the same time a very revealing week. At one time, I was the kind of girl who wanted everyone to like her, and today I am the kind of woman who doesn’t need everyone to like her. My biggest teacher? Friendships that drift apart. The lesson? Learn to let go of what you cannot control and love anyway.
Even though I feel sometimes I have a handle on my desire to be liked, it still has a tendency to creep in and sneak around my heart and mind like a vine wrapping itself around a light post.
Occasionally my mind will attempt to show me what is wrong with me, and it takes me to the cleaners and back. Then sometimes my mind is slow enough to realize I am not here to take inventory of other people’s behavior, I am only here to witness my own and act according to who I have decided to be; I am human and this is not always easy.
My heart has been heavy at times and full of pain but I always get through it – always. This week I finally came to terms with a friendship that drifted away almost a year ago. The truth is, after six years of spending many hours of laughing, traveling, celebrating, crying and planning with my friend, she is now gone and has a new best friend. We didn’t have the period where we drifted from one another slowly. We flat-out had our cords cut and that was it. When it happened, I was shocked and didn’t know any way to handle it other than to take responsibility for my own behavior, and I wasn’t about to change my principles just to keep a friend, even if she was my best friend. There is a quote from a spiritual teacher that goes something like “People change and forget to tell the other person.” Well, that was us. I had changed and she wasn’t so sure she liked all the transformation. I had stopped being so agreeable and the “yes” woman and this is of course hard for some people to accept. The day our friendship ended, I felt a relief. I didn’t have to try to be someone else for somebody to like me. As I took a deep sigh of relief, I felt incredibly sad, and I guess I have been for the last 11 months.
In my recent years of practicing not to escape the pain, I have recognized the level of pain that leads to deep insight for myself. As I write this I can say I learned a lot from my friend, and to me she will always be my best friend. No matter what, she will always take residence in my heart. Physical separation might be what is apparent now, but I send her love every time I think of her, and to be honest, that’s all we both need. Judging, condemning and comparing do no good and certainly don’t move me forward. My mind doesn’t always want to take this gentle route, but I make it until it surrenders to a force way bigger than it; my heart.
I felt led to share this with you all in case you find yourself in a similar situation with a friend. Please note this is not an attempt to teach or preach. This is simply to share my experience in hope that you may never feel alone if you are experiencing a friendship that has drifted. I am not even going to tell you to remember something special because I don’t know what you should remember…you have your own teacher within and it is there I have found a peace beyond my understanding.
Happy Friday to everyone,